Hi. I'm Dr. Anderson, and I'll be...
Oh, all ready to go, huh?
I'm Esther. So nice to meet you.
- Hi, Esther. - Benji.
Well, it's great that you're here.
It's important for couples to explore
their reproductive options.
We're not a couple.
I've been to a gyno with her before.
- I have nothing and nobody. - Yeah, same.
Okay, so you are interested in freezing your eggs.
A lot of young, career-minded women
are making this choice nowadays.
Thank you. I am kind of young,
and I'm also very minded on my career as well.
Like most career-minded women,
she already has her Halloween costume picked out.
Both Menendez brothers.
I'm gonna by Lyle, then papier-mâché Eric.
Great.
Eh... so let's get started.
A little backstory on why I'm here,
since we have a sec.
Basically, I saw an Instagram post
of an ultrasound from Nadia James,
who is, like, the prettiest, coolest girl at my high school.
Okay, you might feel a little pressure.
Pressure is a really good word for it.
Uh, she was the first girl
to make having a big ass popular.
'Cause for a long time, only skinny girls were cool,
and her ass was huge.
Anyway, she's having her third kid,
and I haven't had a second date since high school,
and I'm just not ready to be a mother, you know?
You get it. We're both working women.
You guys are fun.
So, Esther, I have some preliminary good news.
Your antral follicles are in great shape.
Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
Like, would you say the best you've ever seen?
Sure. See for yourself.
Oh, my God. It's true what they say.
You do love your children at first sight.
Is this like The Ring? If I look, do I die in a week?
Do you know who makes this gown? It's so comfortable.
synced & corrected by PopcornAWH www.addic7ed.com
Ooh.
Do you have orange juice at home?
We should make healthy popsicles.
Dude, I'm not making popsicles with stolen vagina sticks.
- Stop snooping. - It's not snooping, okay?
It's not like I'm gonna find her diary.
She probably keeps that in her office or under her pillow.
Do you know how much it costs to freeze your eggs?
Yeah, I do.
Do you know how much it costs?
Esther, it's, like, $10,000.
That's twice the cost of the house you grew up in.
Right, but I actually read that Google will pay
to freeze young women's eggs.
How cool are the times we're living in?
That's if you work for them, man.
They don't just give you free family planning
'cause you have a Gmail account.
Man, I really gotta read the whole article.
Okay, let's get outta here.
I don't want Dr. Anderson to know that I'm dumb and poor.
I just want her to remember the good times.
Let's just go home.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God, you idiot.
- Dr. Anderson. - What's up?
I had a question. We were just trying to figure this out on our own,
but maybe you could help us.
Is the vagina self-cleaning?
- It's not, right? You have to use soap. - Let her talk.
It's part of your body, just like any part of your body. Use soap.
You're both right.
- Are you sure? - I told you. You don't listen.
So, Esther, I have some good news.
Your ovarian follicles and egg reserves
indicate you'll be a great candidate for freezing.
I'm hearing the words "great candidate" repeatedly,
which I'm loving, and it made me curious.
Is there some sort of financial package
or scholarship for my eggs?
Uh, this isn't college, but, well, yes.
There is a program where, if you donate your eggs
to a family, it helps defray the cost of freezing your own.
You just give us some information,
and we make the matches.
Okay. What kind of information?
Yeah, like, does she need to disclose
that she was responsible for the Jacuzzi diarrhea sign?
Did you graduate from college?
No, I didn't.
But I was breastfed till I was three and a half.
That wasn't the question. She asked if you went to college.
I attended college.
I feel like I should know the answer to this one.
Is there a history of mental illness in your family?
No. Is that one of the questions?
Do you ever use drugs or alcohol?
No, I don't,
and I am still fun at parties.
Just so you know, not everyone gets matched.
I get it. I never get picked. I won't get my hopes up.
Don't let any of that stop you from filling out the donor form.
You never know what could happen.
That's so true. I do never know what could happen.
I should have a more positive attitude.
Ugh. This is so many pages.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey.
Sorry to bug you, but...
I've been having, like, testicular pain.
Is that, like, bad, or is that just from, like, free-balling at the gym?
Well, there is a vein condition
that causes testicular pain
and can leave men sterile.
I would advise you to get your sperm checked.
The profile wants to know if I have healthy teeth. What do you think?
Yeah, yeah, they look great.
I know. I just wanted the doctor to see.
Wait, wait, wait.
So, like, can I get my sperm checked right now?
Perhaps. Have you ejaculated in the past three days?
No.
We FaceTime before bed, so she knows my patterns.
Oh, my God, they found a match for my eggs,
and the family wants to meet me.
I won. I don't know what to do.
I can't do this.
Wait, what's the big deal? You were fine at the clinic.
I told you, I didn't think it was gonna actually happen.
Okay? I never get picked for anything.
I can't even get selected for jury duty,
and you know how good I am at judging and punishing people.
Well, I don't know what to tell you.
You don't have $10,000, so you're gonna have to spend eggs to freeze eggs.
- Right. - I've got real problems.
I might be sterile.
Yeah, you might be.
You look like a guy whose sperm just doesn't work.
Like Santa.
Right, like if a woman fell in love with me,
and then we were married and struggling to have kids,
I could be, like, "You knew my sperm was bad"
- "when you did this." - Yeah.
What about my voice and personality makes you think
- "that I'm really potent?" - Yeah.
I guess I'd probably be a bad dad anyways.
- Yeah. - I was cross-eyed till I was two.
I couldn't see faces. Now I don't have empathy.
I thought you don't have empathy
because your mom didn't hold you.
No, that's touch deprivation. It's why I don't like hugs.
Right, I have that, too. Okay, this is what worries me, though.
What if my eggs end up in the hands of someone like your parents,
or worse, my parents?
Your parents seem so normal on Facebook.
Are you kidding me?
My mom never got me a My Size Barbie. How messed up is that?
I had no way of practicing sex positions like the other kids,
and I'm still insecure about that.
There's, like, two important sex positions. It's fine.
You don't get it, okay?
It's hard to raise a little Esther,
and I don't want this random family
to be in over their head like my parents were.
Look, this is the first time in your life ever
that you have something that someone actually wants.
Oh, are you saying I'm powerful?
No.
Dude, just come with me, okay?
Come on, like...
what if... what if they're murderer egg harvesters?
And I'm delicate and easily swayed by a strong opinion.
You know that.
Esther, I'm a J. Crew extra small.
I'm not defending you from anybody.
I don't need you to help me, okay?
I just need you there in case I get murdered.
I want a friend to get murdered with me, too.
Fine, I'll go with you,
but if they cut eggs out of your body
and put you in a bathtub full of ice, I'm not stopping them.
Don't stop them, and don't tell my story.
Leave it to a professional movie producer.
And don't let Anne Hathaway play me. She's too old.
Anne Hathaway is great.
Why is everyone so anti-Anne Hathaway?
What did Anne Hathaway do?
This neighborhood's so goy-ish.
Don't worry about it. We'll just get in,
we'll realize that only a crazy person would want my eggs,
we'll get out, we'll go to that Panera we passed on the way here.
Or the burger stand, your call, but I want the burger stand.
This place is a mansion.
No mansion has a mansion next door that looks exactly like it.
What do you know?
This isn't even a good school district.
I love doormats.
"Nice underpants."
How does it know?
- What's happening to you? - I don't know.
Esther.
I'm Jackie.
You are the answer to my prayers.
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I leave a mark on you?
I hope so.
That's my girl. Come on in.
She's so pretty.
- Hey. - Hey.
You talked so much about cinnamon rolls on your form.
I made 'em from scratch.
Oh, my God. Honestly, if I were alone right now,
I'd lock myself in the bathroom
and eat six of these in 30 seconds.
Well, come in.
This place looks like
someone decorated it.
Oh, my God, Jackie, are you a beauty queen?
You're looking at Miss Santa Clarita Valley
International World Princess,
- 1995. - Oh, my God.
I didn't know Santa Clarita was a monarchy.
Oh, I always dreamed I would have a daughter one day
that would follow my pageant footsteps.
Or become a scientist you know.
- Whatever she wanted would be good. - Of course.
So I kept trying, and that's how
I ended up with five boys,
who I love, you know.
I was gonna give it one more try,
but then, you know, my ovaries have shriveled up and died.
Oh, well, we can't all have great antral follicles.
That's actually my best feature.
Sweetheart, your best feature
is your pageant-ready bone structure.
Bone structure on my face?
- Yeah. - Oh... oh my God.
I feel really qualified for this.
I have been dying for some feminine energy in this house.
Do you wanna see my trophy room?
Okay.
Can I try on your sash?
Sash? Oh, honey, you can try on my crown.
Want some salad?
No. You're tossing it with your hands.
You think restaurants don't hand toss?
They hand toss.
Get at that fun food, man. Your mom made cinnamon rolls.
I'm gluten-free. Wheat weighs me down.
Right. That happens to me, too.
Maybe next time your mom bakes,
she can make you some gluten-free snacks.
My brothers prefer regular dessert,
and I don't need the sugar anyways,
so I eat salad mostly.
Your socks suck.
- Huh? - See how that ankle's sticking out?
That's 'cause it used to belong to someone bigger than you,
and you just ended up with hand-me-downs.
Why do you know so much about my socks?
Because it's really obvious that you're the neglected baby,
and I was, too.
Like, I bet your underwear is probably terrible also, right?
Wanna see my underwear?
No. Don't ask people that.
Hey, Jackie and I are gonna run out and do a nail thing
just to get to know each other better.
Oh, nice. You're just gonna skim some free stuff off the top.
- That's a good idea. - Yeah.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Doesn't a nail thing take 40 minutes or something?
No, we're going to a real place,
so it takes, like, two to three hours.
We might grab a snack.
- I'll talk to you. - Why is it...
Damn it.
They had to go out on stage like conjoined twins.
Who would've thought?
I know. That's what I said.
Jackie, you have the best stories.
Oh, I know. Thank you.
- Thank you for sharing them with me. - Sure.
I have to ask you.
What was your talent?
Baton twirling.
- No. - Yes.
And I was amazing at it.
I always wanted to learn baton twirling,
but my mom said that it was the most dangerous game.
She was always afraid I'd break a window.
Angel, it's never too late.
Look at me.
I always dreamed I would have a daughter
that can come with me every week to get our nails done.
Every week?
Yeah.
Jackie, when I was younger,
I was only allowed to wear nail polish
on special occasions, and the only color
I was allowed to use was... clear.
- I'm so sorry. - Thank you.
Esther, I really hope you donate your eggs to my family.
Well, not to my family, but to me.
Forget the boys.
But I know that this is a really big decision.
It is, but, fortunately,
I act impulsively and emotionally a lot.
- Oh, that's great. - Yeah.
I do have to ask you one final question.
Okay. I'm ready.
Your 12-year-old daughter steals your credit card.
She buys VIP tickets to the Britney Spears "Dream Within A Dream" tour,
and she spends $800 on merch.
But she has the best night of her life.
What do you do?
Thank you for your question.
First of all,
my daughter would never steal my credit card,
because I would've already bought the tickets.
Can you imagine the look on her face
when I surprise her and five friends
with a limo to go see her favorite singer?
Experiences like that are once in a lifetime.
I'm Jackie from Santa Clarita Valley.
Thank you.
Do you have a question for me? I wanna play pageant.
What are you doing?
Playing catch.
You're not playing catch, you're playing throw.
Didn't your dad teach you how to do this?
My dad works on New York market time,
and works long hours to provide for us and his other family.
Oh, okay. I get that.
My dad worked a lot, too, so...
But look, if you wanna play catch by yourself,
you gotta throw the ball in the air,
not up against a wall. I can show you.
You're gonna teach me how to play catch?
No. I'm gonna show you a YouTube tutorial
that'll show you how to play catch.
To be honest, most people who are good at playing catch
don't really amount to anything,
so I wouldn't stress about it.
You and your friends probably play video games anyways, right?
I don't have any friends.
Everyone calls me "Cameltoe."
Right.
Well, friends aren't all they're cracked up to be.
From my experience, friends will sleep with your girlfriend
when you go to work, they don't always split the check,
I think they're using my mouthwash when they're in my bathroom.
Are you gonna show me a YouTube video on making friends?
No, bro, but if you ever wanna make any,
you're gonna have to stick up for yourself.
No one wants to be friends with the kid they call "Cameltoe."
- That's the weakest guy. - But I am the weakest.
Hitler had a micropenis. Just act tough
and people will fall in line.
Okay. Is your friend gonna give my mom her eggs?
Honestly, she's probably just gonna, like, use her
for manicures and cinnamon rolls and break her heart.
Wait, wait, wait. What are you...
You're crying?
No. Pollen counts are just up.
Here, take these. It's the good stuff.
You need a driver's license to buy it.
Are you sure?
They make meth out of them,
and you're kinda small, so... take half?
We're having a baby. Look at my nails.
What?
Why are you rushing into this?
You've spent more time picking Pinkberry toppings.
It's kind of just a woman thing.
Like, Jackie's the one.
I guess you just know when you know.
Oh, you know when you know, 'cause this morning,
you thought they were gonna murder you for eggs.
I was being modest, okay?
It's called humble pie. Have a piece.
Giving someone your eggs is a life-consuming process, okay?
It's a really big deal.
You're right, it is a big deal.
It's the greatest gift that one woman can give to another woman,
besides a Diptyque candle; That's a really good gift.
See, you're not even taking this seriously.
I've done research.
Did you know that you have to inject yourself
with pee from a post-menopausal woman?
That sounds great.
Also, you're gonna do, like,
permanent damage to your body.
You're gonna have belly fat that never goes away.
I get bloated five times a week, okay?
I have belly fat all the time, and it's cute,
'cause I'm young, and it's unexpected.
Esther, don't do this.
If you give Jackie the daughter of her dreams,
then Bobby's probably never, ever gonna have a gluten-free cinnamon roll.
He's gonna die of pneumonia in a gutter.
Stop trying to fix your childhood by helping that kid.
- It's weird. - It's not weird.
I showed him YouTube videos and gave him amphetamines,
and if he had a decent mom, that wouldn't even be a big deal.
Just because Jackie wasn't a "decent mom" for Bobby
doesn't mean she won't be the perfect mom for a little baby Esther egg, okay?
If Jackie had been my mom,
I'd be the CEO of Lisa Frank Industries by now,
and you'd be in jail.
There was lotion on my hands,
and now, this tastes like lotion.
Welcome to being a girl. I haven't tasted real fruit since I was 11.
"Hello gorgeous."
How does it know?
Esther, I'm so glad you could come by.
Come on in.
Oh, Esther, you're like family to me now,
and I was just so overjoyed by your decision.
I couldn't wait to show you this.
Okay, open your eyes.
Oh, my God!
A ballet barre!
A full-length mirror, hardwood floors
for practicing tap.
A stage for rehearsing one-woman shows.
And you can even twirl a baton.
The windows are shatterproof glass.
Batons!
I thought my youngest was gonna be a girl,
and when Bobby was born, I didn't have the heart
to take everything down. I knew someday
the precious angel that this was all meant for would come along.
And here I am.
Excuse me, honey?
I can move in tomorrow.
I just need to go home and get my night guard.
Actually, if I'm living here, I won't grind.
- I can move in today. - Huh?
You just said that I'm the person that this room was meant for,
and, you know, I just walked into your life and solved all your problems.
No, you said that. I said that this was meant for my daughter.
But you said I was family.
Oh, yeah, I say that to lots of people.
I'm told I'm very warm.
So you lied to me.
You know, I really wanted this to work for you,
but how can I give my eggs to someone
who's just gonna live vicariously through their daughter?
That is so creepy.
You're doing the same exact thing.
That's where you're wrong, Jackie, okay?
I don't want my daughter to have any of this. I want it for myself.
It was very nice meeting you.
You're very cool and very pretty,
and I'm sure that if we had met under different circumstances,
we would've been best friends.
Can I take one baton as a goodie bag?
I don't think so. Sorry.
I'll see myself out.
You won't believe this, but Jackie was in it for the wrong reasons.
Oh, really?
The beauty queen whose child is slowly dying of asthma
has bad priorities.
What are you gonna do with your eggs?
I'm just not gonna freeze 'em.
Maybe by the time I'm ready to have kids,
I'll be able to raise my own little clone.
Aw, look.
He's lonely, but he's making it work.
I taught him that. That's my brand.
Can we just get outta here?
I have a taste for soft serve, and it's getting serious.
Wait.
- Boo! - Whoa!
Hey, that's mine.
Lock the doors.
If stuff gets physical,
there's an air horn in the glove box.
Okay, but if it becomes a West Side Story dance fight,
- I'm joining you. - I don't know what that is, but okay.
A-five, six, seven, eight.
Hey, guys.
What's going on here? We're just a bunch of cool dudes,
doing cool dude stuff, right?
All right.
Bobby, you watch the TED talk I sent you?
Who's this dork, your dad?
It's not my dad. He's just some weird single guy
who's obsessed with my underwear.
What are you talking about, man? I'm just trying to help you out.
What's your sock situation like?
You wanna go sock shopping? You guys wanna come?
Get the hell away from me, Cameltoe.
Whoa. Only the weakest kid gets called Cameltoe. I told you that.
Ah! Was that necessary, Bobby?
Give me some.
Teacher becomes the Cameltoe.
Classic.
You didn't call for back-up.
What's going on?
Great. All right. Thank you.
I got my sperm test results. Inconclusive.
Okay. Well, I'm not gonna be able to go back
to the fertility clinic with you,
because, like so many strong women before her,
Dr. Anderson has blocked me on Facebook.
I don't wanna go back. I kinda like not knowing.
Now when I look at my semen,
I can think of an infinite world of possibilities.
That's exactly how I feel about my antral follicles.
Dr. Anderson said they're actually right out of a textbook.
I was there.
But she wasn't.
Speaking of which, your My Size Barbie
is kinda creeping me out. Can you turn her head around?
Actually, Amabella would like for you to turn around,
'cause you're making her uncomfortable.
Amabella? What region is that from?
I've never heard of an Amabella.
She's actually from Finland.
Amabella, just a quick question.
Do you think maybe you could, like,
introduce me to, like, a cute friend?
She said that for $500,
you can see her naked.
I'm not... it's weird, I know.
But that's what she said.
That... that's not right.